


He would not stay for me

by athenea25



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/M, sad fic, still in solavellan hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 10:08:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10851780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/athenea25/pseuds/athenea25
Summary: He would not stay for me, and who can wonder?He would not stay for me to stand and gaze.I shook his hand, and tore my heart in sunder,And went with half my life about my ways.A. E. HousmanLavellan recalls her unique love story to her son





	He would not stay for me

" How've you been mama? "   
I heard the door open and that familiar voice, smiling when I felt the big hand of the boy I helped raise.   
" Oh you know, mama's always good, baby" I reach for his hand, my fingers are beginning to ache everytime I grasp for something. I dont tell Fenvir, I dont wanna worry him.  
Age is wearing on me... slowly but surely, Im reaching the end.  
"Come, sit here with me" I pat the couch Id been sitting on, He smiles, that big beautiful smile. I remember when he was just a baby. Everyone fell in love with him, I fell faster than anyone of course.

"So mama,.. I have some big news" , my eyes widen immediately worried.  
"Tell me that you didnt get a girl pregnant Fenvir"   
He gasps, "What mom of course not" .. he called me mom so it must be true  
"Fine what is it?.. Is it good or bad news?" I looked at him, anxious to know.  
"Mom, I met someone, I want you to meet her, cause I want to marry her" He says holding my hand, squeezing it a little. My mind is blank, love, love has arrived in his life.  
"Oh Fen, Fen darling, who is she?" I hug him, Im happy for him, he's happy. He is very happy.  
"Her name is Myna, mama, she is so smart, and so beautiful, and incredibly smart, and talented and shes elvhen too, and she's taught me so much and, oh creators I just know for a fact you will like her, and did I mention she's smart?", he said all in one breath, hes very excited and nervous.  
"So this Myna, how did you meet?"   
"I met her in Orlaix, we were both heading into the university looking for the only copy of a very important book on andrastrian philosophy, she reads a lot mama, about everything, she knows so much, at first she was quiet, it took me a lot of convincing but then one day we were walking just outside Orlaix and I just kissed her mama, she told me it was reckless or something, it didnt matter to me, from that day it became clear she was meant to be with me, you know?" He had this dreamy look on his face, his face looks so beautiful.  
"Aaah, so, she came to her senses and saw what a wonderful man you are"- To me he is the most wonderful man, my hand momentarily leaves his to touch his face  
"Mama, I love you so much, I want her to meet you as soon as possible"  
I agree with him, and then he proceeds to cook me dinner, its routine really, ever since he realized I dont have an arm like most of his little friends' mamas, he became really protective of me.   
"Mama is strong, darling, but she appreciates the help coming from you".. "Ill always help mama" his 6 year old self screamed  
How did that red headed, green eyed tiny baby, grow into this tall, proud, handsome looking man?, when did those innocent curls leave his hair? when did that stubble begin to grow?

..

It was night time now, and the house was extremely quiet, almost as if he wasn't there, I was finishing cleaning the kitchen, he cooked I cleaned, it took me a while, but I finished.  
Im grateful, its worst when Im all alone.  
I came into his room, he was reading a letter, in the bedroom that was always empty waiting for him to come visit.  
"What are you reading?" I sat next to him in his bed.  
"Just a letter from Myna, she told me to read it whenever I missed her, she's waiting for me back in Kirkwall, you know in the estate we lived in for some time"  
"Oh so you guys are living together already?"-I ask him with pretend anger  
"Yeah I kinda forgot to tell you... "- he chuckled  
"You know im more upset that your uncle Varric probably met her before me"  
"Yeah hes visited once or twice, but you matter the most mama"  
I kissed him, he fills my days with joy, my life has kept going because of him  
"Have you ever been in love mama?"  
The bluntness hits me out of the blue... the memories came rushing back in... but I couldnt reveal the scars in my heart. Not when his beauutiful smile is caused by him being in love.  
"Uncle Varric always said that I should avoid that subject, so I never asked, but... I wanna know" - He was staring at the letter Myna wrote.  
" I wanna know if you ever felt this... "  
I had been quiet for a while  
We never told him my story, I asked everybody to tell him I lost my arm in the war, and that's that. He knows about the inquisition, he knows about the inquisitor, but he does not know much more.  
" I did Fenvir" my voice quivered , but I wont cry, not in front of him.  
"We met in the war, he was quiet, reserved, extremely intelligent and curious, talented and I fell for him, so much, and I gave him my heart" I was staring at the floor  
"What happened, why is he not around?.. Did he use you?" He was worried, I think he's never seen me in this much thought in his life  
"I guess we can say he refused my love"  
Fenvir was shocked.. "who would do that mama? who would refuse love?"  
"Someone who thinks he does not deserve it, darling one"  
...  
...  
silence  
...  
...  
"Did you ever love again?"  
"Yes love, you of course" I held his hand, so tight  
"You know what I mean mama..."  
" Fenvir, if I did I would not be an old lady living alone in this cottage" I let go of his hand and stared at him, I live alone, i'm not ashamed, sometimes i'm lonely, i'm not ashamed of that either.  
"Where you waiting for him to accept your love,to come back, is that why you never fell for someone else?"   
"You know what, the first few years after he left I searched for him, I wanted desperately to see him again, to tell him that I wanted to bear whatever weight was on his shoulders, that I love him unconditionally"  
"But then as the years passed, I realized that if he did not want to be found, I would never find him. After that I tried, starting over, getting him out of my mind, but it did not work, my heart and his were united"  
I paused for a while, his face was troubled, he was starting to regret bringing up this subject

"Love comes in all types of forms, Fenvir, like the way I love you, like the way you love Nyma, and the way I love Solas, like how you love your friends and family"  
"So I did not marry him, and we didnt have many children like I dreamed when I first met him, that does not mean the love I felt, the love I feel isnt valid. Sweetie, sometimes love hurts, and things dont end well"  
"I hope he found peace, and that maybe he found happiness, I truly do" - Im holding Fenvir's hand so tight, my fingers ache again  
"Im just incredibly grateful that I experienced what its like to be in love, at least once in my life"  
He's crying, Fenvir is crying, he hates seeing me in pain so much  
"Im sorry mama, I shouldve listened to dad and uncle varric and ... I just wanted to know" His hands held me so tight  
"Its ok sweetie, I guess you would be curious after all this time"  
I stand up and kiss his cheek, " You should sleep, you must be tired" I moved to leave the room and turned the lights off  
" good night mama"  
...  
...  
...  
...  
The days slowly passed and Fenvir was leaving again, this time with a promise to come back really soon so I could meet Nyma  
"Goodbye sweetie, say hello to your dads for me"  
"Yeah they were on my nerves so much, they want to meet Nyma as soon as possible too!, Dad and Papa have been writing non stop, especially papa!"  
"Yeah that does sound like Dorian, ever the romantic" I chuckled  
He kissed my cheeks  
"Mama I love you so much,.. and im so grateful I get to give you love and be loved by you" He squeezed my face  
"Sweetie you're gonna make your old mama cry"  
"Ok ok , im leaving" He walked down the stairs of the tiny porch in the house  
I saw him waving goodbye  
...  
Fenvir, Im so happy I get to be your mama forever  
...  
I walk to my bedroom, all alone.  
I open my old diary, the one I used to have at skyhold  
The love letter I wrote you and that you left on the desk the day you left fell out ,and I held it just like my son held the love letter he had received.  
I read it,longingly, and press it to my chest.

Solas,  
Im   
So   
Happy  
I get to  
love  
you  
forever  
-Ellana

**Author's Note:**

> So Fenvir is Dorian and Bulls adopted son and Ellana helped them raise him so he calls her mama and visits her whenever he can  
> I believe everyone moves on in a different way. And the inquisitor solas romance is just so powerful. I dont see them ever thinking of loving another again  
> In this reality Solas hasnt started his plan to destroy the world yet. 
> 
> Please review and leave a comment. Thanks for reading!


End file.
